I’ve written elsewhere about the notion of the word “should.” It’s an insidious little word that sneaks its way into conversations all too easily and to great detriment to all. 

Are you sure you should do that?

Maybe you should try taking things slower/faster/a different way…

Even though this feels good, I shouldn’t want it, shouldn’t need it, shouldn’t crave it.

We’ve all said it; we’ve all heard it. And it never feels good. “Should” implies judgement of ourselves and others. Why bind ourselves to narrow, externally imposed constructs of what “should” be right, “should” be acceptable, “should” be pleasurable? (Unless, of course, being bound is what you like…) 😉

And specifically, within the context of the BDSM, D/s, and other power exchange communities—provided you’re engaged in safe, sane, consensual practices—there should be no should.

I encourage us all to critically examine* our use of the word “should” and adapt accordingly.

* You know, I really shouldn’t split an infinitive like that. 😉

(Here’s a link to the song I reference in the image above, in case you’d like to have a listen.)

There Should Be No Should

/ Jaye Elise / 7 Comments

7 thoughts on “There Should Be No Should”

  1. I was thinking about this post so much last night, I couldn’t wait to get back and comment today! I realised the damage that the word “should” can cause and I proactively try to avoid it – I remind myself that “should is a shaming word”. Whether to myself or others, it implies shame, and shame is something that we can ALL do without. A great post 🙂

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    • Thank you for your thoughts and support! The act of policing one’s language can be an onerous task, but it’s almost always worth the effort.
      And I couldn’t agree more! Less shame is a beautiful thing! 🙂

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  2. Those “shoulds” create a lot of unnecessary pressure in people, and the potential for guilt and shame too. When that word pops up for me, I try to explore what the underlying feelings are. Why “should” I do whatever the thing is? Why should I take a certain job or why should I call a relative that I really don’t want to talk to…? Of course, when my Dominant tells me to do something, I should obey him…or suffer the consequences of a sore bottom… XOXO

    Great post!

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  3. I love what you said in this post. I am also fond of when insidious can be used well in a sentence. It is a new way of thinking on this to me, or, perhaps, it’s just articulated in a new way. The externally imposed constructs come from our society which covers a lot of ground: politics, religion, and social norms. I’ve had a similar reaction to the words can’t and doesn’t. “You can’t do things that way. It just won’t work.” This is followed by “It doesn’t work that way.” Well, for me, I’ve done more than my share of things I was told I can’t do. I’ve also had things work for me in ways they didn’t for anyone else. I should apologize for that?

    In any case, thanks for the post and, once again, the inspiration.

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